Can i not drive my cunt home
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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