Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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