i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
