Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
