Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I love you. Go after that dick
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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