I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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