Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
