can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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