If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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