we're chasing vodka with high fives
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
