my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
