His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
