Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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