i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
