You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
