It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
