Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
