I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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