Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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