Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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