i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
