Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize