I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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