Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
