**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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