i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize