i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
