Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
