Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
