Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
