Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
