Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
