I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
