i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize