Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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