That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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