he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
