The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
