nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
