Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just cropdusted the office
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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