Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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