Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
