then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
