i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize