Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
