I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
