I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So many bounce houses so little time
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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