I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
