my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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