yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
