sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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