she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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