I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
