"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
