Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
