You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
