yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
