Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
