my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
