please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
