Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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