dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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