dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
