i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
