wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
