oh god the rape fog is back!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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