I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
