Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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