I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
