God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
