i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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