i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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