When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
